Bad Thoughts!

I read a blog this morning that immediately made me feel a bit better about my own attitude this morning.  It was about mom confessions, the things we think, feel and do and often feel guilty about.  It's always nice to know others have 'bad' thoughts too!

I am not a morning person.  I am one of those people that will hit the snooze button 18 times.  I prioritize sleep over getting up and having enough time to do my make up and opt for a messy ponytail instead of busting out an array of styling tools!  I hate waking up.  I hate the groggy feeling.  I hate having to get out from under the warm blanket and up into the chill of the early morning (sometimes I'll lay there for 'just one more furnace cycle').  I hate having zero time to adjust to the noise of my 3 kids who, like most kids, seem to be overly excited about the dawn of a new day.  I pretty much hate it all.

This morning was a particularly bad morning for me.  Nothing really happened, I just really felt that I required more sleep than I was apparently going to get.  I laid there for an hour stewing about it.  I fantasized about getting up and storming out the door, driving to a hotel and sleeping there for the rest of the day!  I willed myself to stay in bed instead of going into the dining room (where my girls sat eating cheerios, or rather singing at the top of their lungs) and having a full blown freak out.  I laid there and felt sorry for myself.  I laid there and felt guilty about the fact that I would rather sleep in than get up and be part of the family.  I laid there and felt mad that, even though he was doing a nice thing for me, my husband was letting the kids be so freakin' noisy!  I laid there and felt jealous of all my friends who are able to send the kids off to gramma and grampas house for sleepovers.  I heard the beep-beep-beeeeep of the coffee maker signalling that coffee was indeed ready and even that was not enough to shake my bad attitude.

When I finally gave in an hour later and got up I still felt bad.  I didn't even feel all that tired anymore, just bad that all those thoughts went through my head, and not for the first time.  I felt bad because what if my kids and husband somehow knew I had been internally cursing them and fantasizing about another life.  A life in which I could sleep past 6 am without having to get up to give the baby a soother, or shush my older kids, a world where I could have as many hours as I wanted of blissful uninterrupted sleep!

But if I had that life, I wouldn't have this one.

I love my family, more than words can express.  Sometimes I look at my kids and my eyes well with tears because I love them so much that (in the words of my mother) joy leaks out of my eyeballs.  I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

Feelings like the ones I had this morning don't make me a bad mom, they make me human.  By sharing those feelings, it allows me to own them and let go of the guilt I feel for having those thoughts in the first place.  I don't have to be that sun-shiny, always smiling mom I see in TV commercials that has a spotless home and can wear white from head to toe without getting it dirty!  Real moms occasionally have bad thoughts, and that's OK!

(Although, some extra sleep would be nice sometimes!|)

Mom.  Such a tiny word, such a huge meaning.  I have been thinking a lot lately about what that word means to me.  About what kind of mom I am versus the kind I want to be.  Since the beginning of time women have been critical of one another and it seems to me that moms are among the women most likely to judge each other quickly and harshly.  I see it frequently on various Facebook pages- these groups that are created with the intent to be a safe haven to ask questions, get support and maybe even make friends are often filled with sharks just waiting to smell blood, to attack an innocent victim.  Maybe these angry moms are having a bad day?  Maybe they are just out to make others feel bad?  Maybe they really think they know it all?  Whatever the reason you can bet they were once on the other end of the argument, feeling judged, unsure of themselves and wondering if they were making the right choices.

There are so many types of moms out there to compare yourself to it can be overwhelming.  Here are some I find myself comparing myself to:  The crafty mom (my pinterest attempts never look as good as theirs!) The mom who has time to put on make up and do her hair mom (where does she find the time?!), the organic mom (is it really any better than regular food?!), the workout mom (again, where does she find the time AND where does she get the energy?!), the nothing fazes me mom (maybe she's a real bitch when no one is looking?!)  the mom that never yells (she must count to 10, a LOT!!), the always has a sitter mom (seriously, how?!) and the perfectly balanced life mom (I know she doesn't really exist, but sometimes it sure seems like she's got it all).  I know it's bad form to compare myself to others, and that all these above mentioned  moms of course have issues and shortcomings of their own but aren't there women that seem to be planted in our lives for the sole purpose of making us insecure?  I can name a few off the top of my head-but I won't.  I have traits of these moms in me, but if I'm being completely honest I am the mom that isn't OK with messes, that cares too much about how I think people are judging my noisy bunch in public, that yells, that lets my kids eat McDonalds, that rarely has time to do hair, make up or dress up, and that lest my kids watch TV for longer than 'the recommended amount of time!'  There, my secrets are out.

 I suppose if I feel this way, others must too.  We all question our life decisions, being a mom and being responsible for shaping another human just adds another complex layer.  I remember, before I had kids, thinking I would never be a mom that yelled, yeah...ask me how that turned out!  (NOT well, hahaha)  There are nights that, after tucking my sweeties into bed, I feel like the worst mom alive because it seems to me all I've done all day is get after and yell at my kids.  Do other moms go through this ever?  Does it mean I am doing a bad job?  Am I damaging my children?  I guess the point of this post is to encourage my fellow moms to reach out to each other, to empower and support each other to build each other up, not beat each other down.  To remember that you aren't alone, many have been here before you and so to will they be here after you.  You are mom, and you are everything to someone.

About 6 months ago I came across an interesting post in a mom group on facebook.  It was from girl putting a call out to any moms that had anything to donate to her friend who had given birth to a baby boy that day, just hours after finding out she was pregnant.  Yes, it was a real live case of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!"  My husband was immediately skeptical..."Sounds like she just wants free stuff..."  I was shocked to hear of a real instance of a person not knowing they were pregnant, I mean how can you make it 9 months preggo and not have a single indication?  Even the 'fluffiest' lady must feel uncomfortably round by then!  I dug out an old diaper bag and put in the few blue things I had accumulated after having 3 girls (there is A LOT of pink stuff at my house)  and gave her the old infant car seat that had been gathering cobwebs in the garage.  I was happy to help, and couldn't imagine what must be going through that poor mama's head. Having a planned birth can be a whirlwind, but not knowing...I just can't imagine!

I have since noticed a trend in these facebook groups: frequently there are moms-to-be, or their friends, asking for charity.  I am not opposed to giving a helping hand, what bothers me is that in almost every case I've noticed the moms are due within a couple of months and have NOTHING!  Usually one of the following lines accompanies the post:  "She's really young." or "She doesn't have much family." or "She's single."  What have these women been doing the past 6,7, 8 months???  Why have they not been getting their nest ready?  Why have they not been scouring for whatever they can get if they are in such financial dire straights?  What did they think was going to happen at the end of the 9 months of carrying that little bundle inside of them?  And, yes, I realize how incredibly judgemental I am coming off as right now, but I frankly don't care!  I'm not just seeing one or two of these situations, but several withing the last couple of weeks.  I totally get that people fall on hard times, but when you are bringing another life into the world you are the one responsible for it.  Not the rest of the world.  However it happened, you got pregnant now it's time to do right by that baby.

Perhaps what irks me the most about these situations is, if you can't prepare for this babies arrival in the 9 months you have to do so, what kind of life are you going to give that child?  Again, yes, judgemental...and yes, some of them I'm sure will be great moms...but let's be realistic here.  I am definitely not saying I'm a perfect parent or that I have it all figured out,  but I was prepared for each of my children.  I'm not saying I'm better than anyone because I didn't need hand outs (I like free stuff too!) but I made choices appropriate for my situation.  If I had had an unplanned pregnancy I would have done what was best for my baby, no matter what.  If I couldn't have supported myself before baby, I would have given a long, hard thought to if I could have supported myself with a baby.  

My point is this- it is simply not fair to rely on the generosity of strangers to provide for a baby you made because you couldn't keep your legs together, or protect yourself adequately.  It should be your responsibility to provide for that helpless bundle should you decide to bring it into the world, not someone else's.

(For the third time, I know, I'm being a tad judgemental...it is completely your choice whether or not you continue checking out my posts!  I can't guarantee I'll get any better!)

Fall is officially here in Red Deer.  Leaves are changing colour and falling from the branches, the air is cool and crisp and has that smell of burning that for some reason is almost addicting to me.  This is my all time favourite time of year.  From the colours to the smells to the fashion-yay for jeans, hoodies and boots- I just can't get enough.  If there was a place that existed where it was this way year long, I think I'd move there!  School has settled into routine for my girls and is something we all look forward to.  And in a few short weeks...HALLOWEEN!!

Mitch dragged out the three Rubbermaid bins from their appropriate home under the stairs and yesterday we dug through finding all the treasures forgotten about from last year.  Costumes, spiders, spooks, skeletons and a surprising amount of pumpkins and window clings.  I may need an intervention.  Even though we are barely through the first week of October, our house is ready for the big night!  Which got me to thinking about holidays in general and how things have changed since I was a kid.

When I was a kid...kids were allowed to dress up for Halloween in any costume they chose (excluding a full face mask at school, for actual rational reasons), they were allowed to call Halloween "Halloween" without anyone being offended.  Trick or Treating was done outside, door to door while wearing a variety of reflective safety decals and often without a parent (once we got to a certain age at least) and fun was had by all.

Now, in schools, you may dress up-but only in non offending, non scary costumes.  We call it "Dress Up Day" or "Black and Orange Day" (*gag*).  Trick or Treating is often done at the mall (a total nightmare!). There is also a new fad called Trunk or Treating, where parents pull into a parking lot and you go from car to car with your kids.  Are we not going a bit overboard with the safety and non offending terms?  (FYI-I am taking my girls to the Trunk or Treat thing but only because it is 2 days BEFORE Halloween, they'll reap the rewards of some extra candy...some of which I WILL eat...and we never really get any trick or treaters at our house.  We are NOT going because I want to ensure my children aren't over run by the demons in the night, my girls can hold their own!)

Christmas is a whole other topic so for now I won't touch on that one today (but stay tuned for that rant another day!) other than to say if they start calling it "Red and Green Day"  I might lose my mind.

I just can't wrap my mind around this whole 'we can't offend anyone' mindset Canadians seem to have adopted over the last 20 some years.  We are supposed to be a multi-cultural mosaic of a nation and we are getting so hung up on keeping everyone else's traditions intact that we are forgetting our own.  I am all in favour for someone celebrating what they want and only want the same respect in return.  Recently a situation came up at a certain board meeting I was a part of: we were discussing whether or not the kids would be allowed to wear their costumes to school.  "What about the children that don't celebrate this holiday?" someone asked.  "What about the children that do?"  I replied.

Growing up I lived next door to a family that was Jehovah's Witness.  Jessica was the same age as me and when there was holiday stuff at school (Valentines, Halloween, Christmas concert etc.) she either didn't participate and was given something else to work on or she didn't come to school that day.  Simple.  Right? To the best of my knowledge, her parents never made a stink about being the minority and never ruined everyone else's good time.  They stayed true to their beliefs and didn't infringe on anyone else's.

In the end, I guess all I can do is vent, regroup and play nice.  And for the record I refuse, RE-FUSE, to call it 'Black and Orange Day!'

I can't watch the news anymore.  I've even had to delete Facebook posts of my news feed because the brief description is too depressing.  All there seems to be is heartbreak, cruelty and despair.  I know I'm not alone in my feelings on this subject.  So why is it that we are being inundated with such sadness?  There is more out there than just people beating one another and animal abuse.  Where are the uplifting stories?  Where are the, dare I say it, happy endings?  Why are people so fascinated with this crap that just makes us all sad?  I know that there are people out there who, like me, have to refrain from watching and reading the news because we are emotionally affected in such a way that is not easily overcome. We feel the sadness deeply, almost physically and become trapped by it.  Somethings you just can't un-know.  It's hard for me to explain it, but it's a feeling I do not like having.  It's not that I want to pretend that these things aren't happening, but what is the point of seeing story after story about how terrible people out there can be?  There is nothing I can do to make a difference.  I feel sick about the things that happen to people I will never know.  So as a self preservation tactic I have cut myself off from the news.  I know the evils of the world haven't gone away, but I don't have to actively take part in knowing all the grisly details.  I don't want to know!  I don't want to take part, be informed or talk about it later.  I don't care if it makes me come off as weak, uncaring or naive.  I look at it this way:  is it necessary for my well being to read the story about the mom who microwaved her baby?  No?  (Then I will pass.  In case you are wondering, that is an actual story someone on my FB posted, I had to delete it.  Even typing those words makes me feel ill.  How are people so awful?)

That brings my rant to an end, for now.  And I will leave on this note:  I recently read an uplifting story, you may have seen it on FB too, about the lady that found a bottle with some sand, a dollar and a letter in it on her beach.  Curiosity getting the better of her, she opened the bottle to find that the 'sand' was actually the remains of someone.  The letter explained travelling was a passion of the dead mans, so his wife put some of his remains in the bottle with a letter asking for whoever found him to call her and let her know where he had been to, and these people-complete strangers-kept him going!  The money was to pay for the phone call, how considerate!Apparently this bottle had made it to many places, and people kept sending him back to sea.  What a nice story of human connectedness.  And kindness.

When I get angry I cry.  Not because I want to get my way at any cost, but because my emotions take over and spill out my eyeballs.  This is a totally involuntary reflex.  I've tried to conquer it in several ways-staring, blinking rapidly, staring up at the ceiling, holding my breath until I feel like passing out, tapping my foot, tapping my hand...nothing works!  It might sound childish but I seriously can't help myself.

The reason I bring this up is because I thought I'd be dealing with myself in this state this evening as I brought up the idea of a trip to Mitchell.  I told him months ago (yes, I told him and if you know my husband you'd likely understand why I didn't ask him) that after Hadley turns 1 we, the two of us, are getting on an air plane and going somewhere.  Alone.  We recently received an invite to my step sisters wedding in the Dominican in April.  7 nights, all inclusive...perfect timing.  It's not the alone time/get away/late honeymoon I had envisioned, but pretty close I guess.  Mitch is worried about the cost, and I totally get it, it's a fair bit of money to spend BUT in eleven years we have NEVER gone on a vacation like this.  Sure, we've gone on holidays all over the Kootenays that have been fantastic, we've gone on several camping excursions, plenty of family vacations but never a romantic getaway with just us.  We don't often go out on dates (another bone of contention) and often 'date night' is us with the kids eating at a family friendly restaurant.  I know I should be grateful, and I truly am, that I bagged the only man out there (at least I choose to believe it) that would rather spend time with his family than bugger off for a week of kid-free lounging on a beach.  I know how lucky I am to have scored that, and I also recognize that this whole rant makes me sound at least a little bit bratty, but Come On!  Eleven years!  I don't recall ever in the last decade trying to coerce him into a vacation that requires a passport.  I will say, I didn't get to the angry crying phase, probably because the kids were playing underfoot and Mitch was getting ready to go out.

At this point, you might be wondering where Mitch had to go....My friends, he went out to play pool with a friend.  Yes, he did...and I was encouraging of it (so what if it's partially because I have a cold and don't feel like doing anything other than watching Americas Next Top Model under a pile of blankets in the basement).  I can recognize the importance of going out once in a while to chill with a buddy.  Mitch considered staying in tonight in an effort to, wait for it, save money.  In the end, he called to invite another friend to tag along, but he was trapped taking his wife to the movies!  See, my love, other husbands take their wives out!

There are few things about my husband that bother me, but his fear of debt is an issue that rears it's ugly head every few  months.  I appreciate his concerns and value his vigilance to debt repayment, he has our best interest at heart (interest...did I pun!?).  I also feel very strongly that we can afford to treat ourselves to some much needed alone time every 10 or so years.  I feel it's important to the well being of our relationship to reconnect as a twosome so we, so I, can be better at being a partner and parent.  I need to just be me, not 'mom' every now and again.  I would like for my husband to understand that, even though he feels differently.

(I wrote this last night but wasn't sure I wanted to post it, but I figured why not.)

I just read the best article!  It was titled "What's ruining our kids?" or something like that.  Wanna know the answer?  "YOU!!!"  It was all about how parents in general these days are bubble wrapping their kids (of course not literally, but I'm sure some have considered it!) and that as a society we are 'wussifying' our young!  It was so refreshing to hear someone else out there sharing similar views as me.

When I was 5 I lived on a street filled with kids and at one end was a walking path along Mission Creek and the other was BMX jumps.  I would ride my Pink Missy bike (sometimes barefoot and never wearing a helmet) and fly off those jumps! All the kids ran wild up and down the street to each others houses and there was never a problem.  Everyone looked out for one another.  To the best of my knowledge no one went missing, got hit by a car or was kidnapped!  When I was 7 my parents split up and we moved, we lived in one place for a while then moved again to an awesome little country house on 50 acres of orchard.  I think I was 9 by this time and we played in the orchard (never with an adult and we never got lost or eaten by a wild animal) we rode ski do's and motor bikes and explored for hours.  All my mom had to do was stand on the back porch and holler for us to come in for a meal.  My dad, at this time, would drop me and my sister, who is 4 years younger, off at the water slides for the day when he had to work and we were left largely to our own devices there...we never drowned, or were kidnapped or hit by a car or there either!  

I carry these memories from my childhood and try to raise my kids with some of the freedom I was given.  My kids, the older 2 anyways, play in the backyard by themselves.  They are 3 and 5.  I trust that they are safe back there, and they know what will happen to them if they exit the backyard for any reason!  Bella is trusted to go into the alley and bring in the blue bins, she knows what to do if by chance a car is coming!  They are learning that not all adults think they're amazing and that, in fact, that some people are downright dangerous and scary.  They have chores, quite a few of them actually and are expected to help without reward because they are members of this family and we all need to contribute.  They are expected to problem solve and not melt down if they have a problem.  They are always welcome to ask for help, but things are not going to be done for them.  We are trying to raise our kids to be productive and proactive members of our family so they will be productive and proactive members of society.  Once they leave the security of our home I want them prepared for the sometimes harsh reality of the world.  No one is going to give a crap how special your momma thinks you are out there, they will judge you on your own merits.  

All that said, I love my kids and yes, there are definitely times the mama bear in me comes out and my sole focus is to protect my young.  I'm not perfect, and I'm no authority in the 'right' way to raise your kids.  I do the best I can.  My mom taught me to work hard, depend on yourself, follow your gut and treat people how you want to be treated.  I'm trying to teach my girls that too.  After all, our kids are our future right?  It's looking pretty grim if things keep going down this bubble wrap lined path!

Well, its been several days since I last got on here and for good reason!  I had a secret, and I knew if I sat down and started typing it would spill out onto this page.  So, here it is...my dirty little secret.  For the first time in my life, I thought I might be pregnant by accident.  That's right, it's true, at 30 years old and with 3 children that were all planned I thought there might be a 'surprise' in my belly.

 I recently stopped breast feeding Hadley, who is just about 8 months now, and had had some indication, shall we say, that my body was returning to its normal state of womanhood and then there was a 34 day gap.  34 DAYS!  Never has it taken so long to, well...you know!  It wasn't because we were stupid and careless, it can take a while for things to re-regulate and 34 days isn't out of the ball park of normalcy in this situation, but COME ON!!!    I happened to have a doctors appointment for Hadley so took the opportunity to explain my situation to my doctor.  His reaction was NOT comforting, first there was a loooong pause (not a good sign, to me anyways!) then he asked me, "Do you feel pregnant?" He, a medical professional, actually said those words to me!  How was I supposed to answer that!  He typed some info into his computer and gave me a form and off I went to the clinic for a blood test. I felt pretty awesome sitting down at the techs little station to have a pregnancy test with my baby with me.  Awesome.

 Mitch and I sat down that night and over a glass of wine (don't judge me!) discussed what our potential future might look like-where would we put all these kids, how would we re-model our house to make it work, how would we handle it mentally and emotionally?  It was the longest 24 hours waiting for the results of that blood test.  I found myself secretly hoping for a positive result.  I can't imagine life with 4 kids, but can't come to terms with not ever having another baby.  With my last pregnancy, I was SO done, and then she was here and it suddenly I wasn't sure.  Mitch had finally gotten on board with having a 'procedure' done to ensure our family of 5 stayed that way (I birthed all the babies, it's only fair he be the one to get fixed, right?) so as we discussed these things I told him how I felt about it, how I had secretly felt for months that we should hold off on getting it done.

Finally, the doctors office called with the results: negative.  And then the other tell tale sign of being not pregnant came along.  I had a lot of mixed emotions, I'm not going to lie.  A few confused tears were sheds, I don't know what I felt, really.  I am happy with life as it is, I love my daughters and I love my husband.  I'm still not ready to have the option of having more babies taken away for good, so for now the 'procedure' is put on hold.  It's a decision I feel good about, even if it makes me sound a little crazy!

It's days like these that feel the longest to me.  It's Sunday, a beautiful day outside and I should be able to come up with a long list of things to do but for some reason I draw a blank.  My husband is away and the baby is napping so I am stuck at home for the moment.  So far we've gone to the pet store (or 'welfare zoo' as my husband likes to say), I've set up the aquarium (didn't know that you had to cycle the water for days before adding fish) and re-arranged the living room.  I guess what makes a day like this seem so long is that I can hear the sounds of family togetherness around my neighborhood but am missing my other half.  Even though my children fill me with love and joy (most of the time anyways) I feel like part of me is missing which seems to leave me feeling sluggish and irritable.  The worst is after they've all gone to bed and the sun is setting the house is quiet.  It can be a lonely feeling.  I am used to him being gone for work, but I still don't like it.  Oh well, life only gives you what you can manage, yes?

But moving on, I can not believe September is here already!  The leaves have started to turn and the days are getting shorter.  Soon our street will be filled with vehicles as parents drop off and pick up their kids.  The school yard will be a-buzz with the delightful squeals of kids playing.  As I prepare to send my oldest off to her first year of Kindergarten I am filled with emotion.  I can remember when I first laid eyes on her, a 9 pound 2 ounce bundle of sweet smelling baby softness!  It was instant love.  Then the nurse asked if I wanted to feed her, "Sure," I said, "But how do I do it?"  Mom fail #1, I didn't have a clue how to get the baby to eat!  Despite all the reading I'd done, despite all the questions I'd asked my mom and mommy mentor (one of my oldest friends) I had no idea what I was doing!  We got through it, and we've figured things out along the way too.  My girl is a caring and patient, one who is older than her years in many ways.  I have no doubt that she'll be fine on the first day, I just hope I can keep it together until I am safely back across the street behind closed doors.

Ok, I'll admit it...I totally YouTubed the Miley Cyrus VMA Award performance that seems to have everyone in a tizzy.  I have to say though, I usually don't pay much attention to these things, in fact (at the risk of sounding like I live under a rock) I usually don't even know about these stunts until long after they've happened.  But this one has gotten so much attention I just had to see it for myself.  I watched as she came out of that weird bear (?) thing with her tongue lolling out, and as she shook what her daddy gave her, and then watched some more as Robin Thicke joined her onstage and as they gyrated all over each other and she made sexual gestures with that silly foam finger.  And what crossed my mind was this:
                                      WHY is that man rubbing up on that little girl?         ... followed by...
                                  WHY are these two performers even onstage together?
So, Miley Cyrus is an 'adult' who should recognize what a poor example she may or may not be setting for little girls, and yes both of those adults probably had PR people helping them stage their act but does no one else find it weird that a full grown man (who also happens to be a husband and father) is rubbing his junk on Hannah Montana???  Why is nobody upset about his role in this?  I felt skeezy just for watching!  It wasn't the fact that she was dancing around the stage almost naked (if it had been Lady Gaga who would have batted an eye), it wasn't that she appeared to be intoxicated and it wasn't the lyrics of the song (which, guilty pleasure, I don't mind).  It as a man in my age group grinding on a girl has barely passed puberty!  If my husband was up there doing that, I'd at least hope the woman was in the same age group!

As a mother, as a woman, I feel it's my job to teach my 3 daughters how to conduct themselves with class and discretion and to instill in them the values my mother and the other strong women in my family instilled in me.  It`s my job to teach them that beauty, real beauty, isn`t parading around with all your parts on display or make up caked on.  If they  choose to idolize train wrecks like Cyrus then maybe I haven't done my job.  It's time that society starts pointing the almighty finger in the right direction, at the parents.  There will ALWAYS be a Miley Cyrus, or Robin Thicke for that matter, out there for us to scoff at for showing our kids it`s ok to objectify women and that you only have worth if you are physically beautiful, half naked and willing to act obscene.  It`s our jobs as parents to make sure our kids know better!  I know it`s easier to lay blame elsewhere, but that`s just laziness.  It`s time to open this lines of communication between us and our children and talk about the 'uncomfortable' issues before it`s too late.

 I realize that try as I might to teach them otherwise there is a large chance that at some point one, or all, of my daughters will want to present themselves in a way that is inappropriate (we all have at some point in life). And when that time comes,  I just hope it's short lived and that I have enough clarity to not blame the Miley Cyrus's of the world.

WOW!  Is it back to school yet?!  Even though my oldest will only being starting Kindergarten and my middle one Playschool I CAN'T WAIT!!!  3 months is a looong time to be with anyone constantly, and although I love my children dearly momma needs a break!  I know siblings bicker, and do things to just bug each other but isn't 3 months of that almost like torture?!  Seriously, they should implement some of these squabbles as punishment to someone somewhere.

That said, I am a little sad that Kindergarten is already upon us.  That means my first ever baby is already 'school age' and before I know it she won't be a little girl anymore.  It feels like life is suddenly put on fast forward, at least in my mind.  It also means that I am getting older, something I have been struggling with lately.  I know 30 isn't old (it is NOT the new 20 either) but I guess I had some expectation that life at Thirty would have some kind of different meaning or something.  I can't seem to put it into words to describe just how I feel about it other than I just thought I'd feel different.  When I turned 20 it was like "YES!  I'm an 'adult' now!"  25 came and I felt like I had one up on the 'early twenties' crew, while still being cool.  And then 29 came, and I tried as hard as I could to dig in my heels and pretend 30 wasn't right there around the corner, but then there it was.  So now, here I am 30.  I know it's just a number, and it shouldn't really matter, but to me it seems to, at least for now.  I guess I should make the most of it because what else is there to do?

I probably should get up now, and do something productive.  Coffee sounds good.  Should probably check on the oldest 2, they have been quiet for sometime now.  In this house, too much quiet can be a bad thing!

Ah, that's better.  The wafting stank has been cleaned, the baby has been bathed and re-clothed and...oh, wait,whats that?  Puke!  It's all over both of us.  I should have stocks in laundry detergent.

I have thought about starting a blog for months, but one thing or another has kept me from doing it.  How do I start one?  How do I pick a name or topic?  Who would read it?  Would I have time to keep it up between running a house and taking care of my 3 daughters?  Today I decided, "Who cares!"  I can figure it out.  I can make up a name.  If no one reads it I'll at least have put words on paper, er, screen?  Already I've been interrupted 4 times, but if nothing else I am good at multi-tasking.  I chose the blog name because 1. I am a mom and 2. I usually only have a minute!  Funnily enough, I don't like referring to myself as "mommy" but it was the best I could come up with when putting myself on the spot.  I have never been good at making small decisions, but give me a a life altering choice and I am great!  Like the decision to up and move to a different province with no family for support and start a family?  Great!  Let's do that!  But what should I make for dinner?  Ummmm....

In the last 5 years I have had 3 children (all girls...I know.), 3 different jobs (who really knows what they wanna be when they grow up anyways?) and have recently become a stay at home mom.  My husband jokes that I am on early retirement.  It's been kind of tough to accept that once my maternity runs out I will be 'unemployed'.  While I am happy to stay home and raise my beautiful girls, part of me wonders if I am cut out to be at home full time?  I try to fill our days with fun activities and outings, and be thankful my husband works hard so I am able to raise our children.  And although I truly believe that women who stay home to raise their children are amazing and strong and selfless in that they put whatever their wants and needs are on hold to do so, I am have a very difficult time accepting myself in that role.  I hope I will get used to it one day.

The real reason I wanted to do this was to get my thoughts out of my head.  I am sure there are others out there who, like me, have things whirling through their heads with no real outlet on a day to day basis.  If someone reads this, great!  If not, oh well.  If I can just sit here and type this out maybe it will fill in the part of me that seems to need something more, something just for me.  Even if it's only for a minute.

I've barely set up this blog and already I have to take a break to change a soiled and stinking diaper.  Yay motherhood!