I read a blog this morning that immediately made me feel a bit better about my own attitude this morning. It was about mom confessions, the things we think, feel and do and often feel guilty about. It's always nice to know others have 'bad' thoughts too!
I am not a morning person. I am one of those people that will hit the snooze button 18 times. I prioritize sleep over getting up and having enough time to do my make up and opt for a messy ponytail instead of busting out an array of styling tools! I hate waking up. I hate the groggy feeling. I hate having to get out from under the warm blanket and up into the chill of the early morning (sometimes I'll lay there for 'just one more furnace cycle'). I hate having zero time to adjust to the noise of my 3 kids who, like most kids, seem to be overly excited about the dawn of a new day. I pretty much hate it all.
This morning was a particularly bad morning for me. Nothing really happened, I just really felt that I required more sleep than I was apparently going to get. I laid there for an hour stewing about it. I fantasized about getting up and storming out the door, driving to a hotel and sleeping there for the rest of the day! I willed myself to stay in bed instead of going into the dining room (where my girls sat eating cheerios, or rather singing at the top of their lungs) and having a full blown freak out. I laid there and felt sorry for myself. I laid there and felt guilty about the fact that I would rather sleep in than get up and be part of the family. I laid there and felt mad that, even though he was doing a nice thing for me, my husband was letting the kids be so freakin' noisy! I laid there and felt jealous of all my friends who are able to send the kids off to gramma and grampas house for sleepovers. I heard the beep-beep-beeeeep of the coffee maker signalling that coffee was indeed ready and even that was not enough to shake my bad attitude.
When I finally gave in an hour later and got up I still felt bad. I didn't even feel all that tired anymore, just bad that all those thoughts went through my head, and not for the first time. I felt bad because what if my kids and husband somehow knew I had been internally cursing them and fantasizing about another life. A life in which I could sleep past 6 am without having to get up to give the baby a soother, or shush my older kids, a world where I could have as many hours as I wanted of blissful uninterrupted sleep!
But if I had that life, I wouldn't have this one.
I love my family, more than words can express. Sometimes I look at my kids and my eyes well with tears because I love them so much that (in the words of my mother) joy leaks out of my eyeballs. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
Feelings like the ones I had this morning don't make me a bad mom, they make me human. By sharing those feelings, it allows me to own them and let go of the guilt I feel for having those thoughts in the first place. I don't have to be that sun-shiny, always smiling mom I see in TV commercials that has a spotless home and can wear white from head to toe without getting it dirty! Real moms occasionally have bad thoughts, and that's OK!
(Although, some extra sleep would be nice sometimes!|)
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