I can't watch the news anymore.  I've even had to delete Facebook posts of my news feed because the brief description is too depressing.  All there seems to be is heartbreak, cruelty and despair.  I know I'm not alone in my feelings on this subject.  So why is it that we are being inundated with such sadness?  There is more out there than just people beating one another and animal abuse.  Where are the uplifting stories?  Where are the, dare I say it, happy endings?  Why are people so fascinated with this crap that just makes us all sad?  I know that there are people out there who, like me, have to refrain from watching and reading the news because we are emotionally affected in such a way that is not easily overcome. We feel the sadness deeply, almost physically and become trapped by it.  Somethings you just can't un-know.  It's hard for me to explain it, but it's a feeling I do not like having.  It's not that I want to pretend that these things aren't happening, but what is the point of seeing story after story about how terrible people out there can be?  There is nothing I can do to make a difference.  I feel sick about the things that happen to people I will never know.  So as a self preservation tactic I have cut myself off from the news.  I know the evils of the world haven't gone away, but I don't have to actively take part in knowing all the grisly details.  I don't want to know!  I don't want to take part, be informed or talk about it later.  I don't care if it makes me come off as weak, uncaring or naive.  I look at it this way:  is it necessary for my well being to read the story about the mom who microwaved her baby?  No?  (Then I will pass.  In case you are wondering, that is an actual story someone on my FB posted, I had to delete it.  Even typing those words makes me feel ill.  How are people so awful?)

That brings my rant to an end, for now.  And I will leave on this note:  I recently read an uplifting story, you may have seen it on FB too, about the lady that found a bottle with some sand, a dollar and a letter in it on her beach.  Curiosity getting the better of her, she opened the bottle to find that the 'sand' was actually the remains of someone.  The letter explained travelling was a passion of the dead mans, so his wife put some of his remains in the bottle with a letter asking for whoever found him to call her and let her know where he had been to, and these people-complete strangers-kept him going!  The money was to pay for the phone call, how considerate!Apparently this bottle had made it to many places, and people kept sending him back to sea.  What a nice story of human connectedness.  And kindness.

When I get angry I cry.  Not because I want to get my way at any cost, but because my emotions take over and spill out my eyeballs.  This is a totally involuntary reflex.  I've tried to conquer it in several ways-staring, blinking rapidly, staring up at the ceiling, holding my breath until I feel like passing out, tapping my foot, tapping my hand...nothing works!  It might sound childish but I seriously can't help myself.

The reason I bring this up is because I thought I'd be dealing with myself in this state this evening as I brought up the idea of a trip to Mitchell.  I told him months ago (yes, I told him and if you know my husband you'd likely understand why I didn't ask him) that after Hadley turns 1 we, the two of us, are getting on an air plane and going somewhere.  Alone.  We recently received an invite to my step sisters wedding in the Dominican in April.  7 nights, all inclusive...perfect timing.  It's not the alone time/get away/late honeymoon I had envisioned, but pretty close I guess.  Mitch is worried about the cost, and I totally get it, it's a fair bit of money to spend BUT in eleven years we have NEVER gone on a vacation like this.  Sure, we've gone on holidays all over the Kootenays that have been fantastic, we've gone on several camping excursions, plenty of family vacations but never a romantic getaway with just us.  We don't often go out on dates (another bone of contention) and often 'date night' is us with the kids eating at a family friendly restaurant.  I know I should be grateful, and I truly am, that I bagged the only man out there (at least I choose to believe it) that would rather spend time with his family than bugger off for a week of kid-free lounging on a beach.  I know how lucky I am to have scored that, and I also recognize that this whole rant makes me sound at least a little bit bratty, but Come On!  Eleven years!  I don't recall ever in the last decade trying to coerce him into a vacation that requires a passport.  I will say, I didn't get to the angry crying phase, probably because the kids were playing underfoot and Mitch was getting ready to go out.

At this point, you might be wondering where Mitch had to go....My friends, he went out to play pool with a friend.  Yes, he did...and I was encouraging of it (so what if it's partially because I have a cold and don't feel like doing anything other than watching Americas Next Top Model under a pile of blankets in the basement).  I can recognize the importance of going out once in a while to chill with a buddy.  Mitch considered staying in tonight in an effort to, wait for it, save money.  In the end, he called to invite another friend to tag along, but he was trapped taking his wife to the movies!  See, my love, other husbands take their wives out!

There are few things about my husband that bother me, but his fear of debt is an issue that rears it's ugly head every few  months.  I appreciate his concerns and value his vigilance to debt repayment, he has our best interest at heart (interest...did I pun!?).  I also feel very strongly that we can afford to treat ourselves to some much needed alone time every 10 or so years.  I feel it's important to the well being of our relationship to reconnect as a twosome so we, so I, can be better at being a partner and parent.  I need to just be me, not 'mom' every now and again.  I would like for my husband to understand that, even though he feels differently.

(I wrote this last night but wasn't sure I wanted to post it, but I figured why not.)

I just read the best article!  It was titled "What's ruining our kids?" or something like that.  Wanna know the answer?  "YOU!!!"  It was all about how parents in general these days are bubble wrapping their kids (of course not literally, but I'm sure some have considered it!) and that as a society we are 'wussifying' our young!  It was so refreshing to hear someone else out there sharing similar views as me.

When I was 5 I lived on a street filled with kids and at one end was a walking path along Mission Creek and the other was BMX jumps.  I would ride my Pink Missy bike (sometimes barefoot and never wearing a helmet) and fly off those jumps! All the kids ran wild up and down the street to each others houses and there was never a problem.  Everyone looked out for one another.  To the best of my knowledge no one went missing, got hit by a car or was kidnapped!  When I was 7 my parents split up and we moved, we lived in one place for a while then moved again to an awesome little country house on 50 acres of orchard.  I think I was 9 by this time and we played in the orchard (never with an adult and we never got lost or eaten by a wild animal) we rode ski do's and motor bikes and explored for hours.  All my mom had to do was stand on the back porch and holler for us to come in for a meal.  My dad, at this time, would drop me and my sister, who is 4 years younger, off at the water slides for the day when he had to work and we were left largely to our own devices there...we never drowned, or were kidnapped or hit by a car or there either!  

I carry these memories from my childhood and try to raise my kids with some of the freedom I was given.  My kids, the older 2 anyways, play in the backyard by themselves.  They are 3 and 5.  I trust that they are safe back there, and they know what will happen to them if they exit the backyard for any reason!  Bella is trusted to go into the alley and bring in the blue bins, she knows what to do if by chance a car is coming!  They are learning that not all adults think they're amazing and that, in fact, that some people are downright dangerous and scary.  They have chores, quite a few of them actually and are expected to help without reward because they are members of this family and we all need to contribute.  They are expected to problem solve and not melt down if they have a problem.  They are always welcome to ask for help, but things are not going to be done for them.  We are trying to raise our kids to be productive and proactive members of our family so they will be productive and proactive members of society.  Once they leave the security of our home I want them prepared for the sometimes harsh reality of the world.  No one is going to give a crap how special your momma thinks you are out there, they will judge you on your own merits.  

All that said, I love my kids and yes, there are definitely times the mama bear in me comes out and my sole focus is to protect my young.  I'm not perfect, and I'm no authority in the 'right' way to raise your kids.  I do the best I can.  My mom taught me to work hard, depend on yourself, follow your gut and treat people how you want to be treated.  I'm trying to teach my girls that too.  After all, our kids are our future right?  It's looking pretty grim if things keep going down this bubble wrap lined path!

Well, its been several days since I last got on here and for good reason!  I had a secret, and I knew if I sat down and started typing it would spill out onto this page.  So, here it is...my dirty little secret.  For the first time in my life, I thought I might be pregnant by accident.  That's right, it's true, at 30 years old and with 3 children that were all planned I thought there might be a 'surprise' in my belly.

 I recently stopped breast feeding Hadley, who is just about 8 months now, and had had some indication, shall we say, that my body was returning to its normal state of womanhood and then there was a 34 day gap.  34 DAYS!  Never has it taken so long to, well...you know!  It wasn't because we were stupid and careless, it can take a while for things to re-regulate and 34 days isn't out of the ball park of normalcy in this situation, but COME ON!!!    I happened to have a doctors appointment for Hadley so took the opportunity to explain my situation to my doctor.  His reaction was NOT comforting, first there was a loooong pause (not a good sign, to me anyways!) then he asked me, "Do you feel pregnant?" He, a medical professional, actually said those words to me!  How was I supposed to answer that!  He typed some info into his computer and gave me a form and off I went to the clinic for a blood test. I felt pretty awesome sitting down at the techs little station to have a pregnancy test with my baby with me.  Awesome.

 Mitch and I sat down that night and over a glass of wine (don't judge me!) discussed what our potential future might look like-where would we put all these kids, how would we re-model our house to make it work, how would we handle it mentally and emotionally?  It was the longest 24 hours waiting for the results of that blood test.  I found myself secretly hoping for a positive result.  I can't imagine life with 4 kids, but can't come to terms with not ever having another baby.  With my last pregnancy, I was SO done, and then she was here and it suddenly I wasn't sure.  Mitch had finally gotten on board with having a 'procedure' done to ensure our family of 5 stayed that way (I birthed all the babies, it's only fair he be the one to get fixed, right?) so as we discussed these things I told him how I felt about it, how I had secretly felt for months that we should hold off on getting it done.

Finally, the doctors office called with the results: negative.  And then the other tell tale sign of being not pregnant came along.  I had a lot of mixed emotions, I'm not going to lie.  A few confused tears were sheds, I don't know what I felt, really.  I am happy with life as it is, I love my daughters and I love my husband.  I'm still not ready to have the option of having more babies taken away for good, so for now the 'procedure' is put on hold.  It's a decision I feel good about, even if it makes me sound a little crazy!

It's days like these that feel the longest to me.  It's Sunday, a beautiful day outside and I should be able to come up with a long list of things to do but for some reason I draw a blank.  My husband is away and the baby is napping so I am stuck at home for the moment.  So far we've gone to the pet store (or 'welfare zoo' as my husband likes to say), I've set up the aquarium (didn't know that you had to cycle the water for days before adding fish) and re-arranged the living room.  I guess what makes a day like this seem so long is that I can hear the sounds of family togetherness around my neighborhood but am missing my other half.  Even though my children fill me with love and joy (most of the time anyways) I feel like part of me is missing which seems to leave me feeling sluggish and irritable.  The worst is after they've all gone to bed and the sun is setting the house is quiet.  It can be a lonely feeling.  I am used to him being gone for work, but I still don't like it.  Oh well, life only gives you what you can manage, yes?

But moving on, I can not believe September is here already!  The leaves have started to turn and the days are getting shorter.  Soon our street will be filled with vehicles as parents drop off and pick up their kids.  The school yard will be a-buzz with the delightful squeals of kids playing.  As I prepare to send my oldest off to her first year of Kindergarten I am filled with emotion.  I can remember when I first laid eyes on her, a 9 pound 2 ounce bundle of sweet smelling baby softness!  It was instant love.  Then the nurse asked if I wanted to feed her, "Sure," I said, "But how do I do it?"  Mom fail #1, I didn't have a clue how to get the baby to eat!  Despite all the reading I'd done, despite all the questions I'd asked my mom and mommy mentor (one of my oldest friends) I had no idea what I was doing!  We got through it, and we've figured things out along the way too.  My girl is a caring and patient, one who is older than her years in many ways.  I have no doubt that she'll be fine on the first day, I just hope I can keep it together until I am safely back across the street behind closed doors.