Well, its been several days since I last got on here and for good reason!  I had a secret, and I knew if I sat down and started typing it would spill out onto this page.  So, here it is...my dirty little secret.  For the first time in my life, I thought I might be pregnant by accident.  That's right, it's true, at 30 years old and with 3 children that were all planned I thought there might be a 'surprise' in my belly.

 I recently stopped breast feeding Hadley, who is just about 8 months now, and had had some indication, shall we say, that my body was returning to its normal state of womanhood and then there was a 34 day gap.  34 DAYS!  Never has it taken so long to, well...you know!  It wasn't because we were stupid and careless, it can take a while for things to re-regulate and 34 days isn't out of the ball park of normalcy in this situation, but COME ON!!!    I happened to have a doctors appointment for Hadley so took the opportunity to explain my situation to my doctor.  His reaction was NOT comforting, first there was a loooong pause (not a good sign, to me anyways!) then he asked me, "Do you feel pregnant?" He, a medical professional, actually said those words to me!  How was I supposed to answer that!  He typed some info into his computer and gave me a form and off I went to the clinic for a blood test. I felt pretty awesome sitting down at the techs little station to have a pregnancy test with my baby with me.  Awesome.

 Mitch and I sat down that night and over a glass of wine (don't judge me!) discussed what our potential future might look like-where would we put all these kids, how would we re-model our house to make it work, how would we handle it mentally and emotionally?  It was the longest 24 hours waiting for the results of that blood test.  I found myself secretly hoping for a positive result.  I can't imagine life with 4 kids, but can't come to terms with not ever having another baby.  With my last pregnancy, I was SO done, and then she was here and it suddenly I wasn't sure.  Mitch had finally gotten on board with having a 'procedure' done to ensure our family of 5 stayed that way (I birthed all the babies, it's only fair he be the one to get fixed, right?) so as we discussed these things I told him how I felt about it, how I had secretly felt for months that we should hold off on getting it done.

Finally, the doctors office called with the results: negative.  And then the other tell tale sign of being not pregnant came along.  I had a lot of mixed emotions, I'm not going to lie.  A few confused tears were sheds, I don't know what I felt, really.  I am happy with life as it is, I love my daughters and I love my husband.  I'm still not ready to have the option of having more babies taken away for good, so for now the 'procedure' is put on hold.  It's a decision I feel good about, even if it makes me sound a little crazy!