I am a terrible blogger!  It has been months since I made myself find time to sit down and type anything...so long, in fact, that I forgot how to even get into my own blog.  I have been reading other peoples blogs fairly frequently so I decided it was time to re-try writing my own.

The thing with reading other blogs is that once I read them, I feel like they have spoken to me in such a way that I no longer have to vent anything out.  My own thoughts have been validated somehow, whether they have been rational or not, and I no longer have to say it in my own voice.  So instead of writing I have filled my time with other things I`ve been meaning to get around to but have kept putting off.  In short, I have been neglectful of my own blog because I have felt I have nothing to say that hasn`t been said already.

I am never one to keep my opinion to myself, and I see that as a good quality even though it can sometimes lead to trouble.  Recently, this very trait got me into a hearty debate with someone, causing a falling out that I have no desire to repair.

A few months ago, I joined with a few ladies and together we started a Cooking Collective.  It was supposed to be a fun way to get together and batch cook freezer meals in a healthy and cost efficient way.  It was working for a while, at least the low cost and healthy part of it was.  We met once a month for 2 months before we were kicked out of the church kitchen we had been using.  So we broke into 2 smaller groups and used the home kitchens of 2 of the members for 2 more months before things fell apart.  The last two cooks were way better! As far as I could tell, things were going well.  We all seemed to be on the same page as far as budget, recipes and the new way our group was running.  Apparently I had missed something though.  The girl that had been sort of the `leader`of the group was difficult to communicate with, if anyone offered an idea that was contrary to how she wanted things done, it seemed to be shot down immediately.  It seemed to me that the rest of the group were treated like inferiors who were evidently incapable of having any sort of responsibility yet were frequently told we needed to `step it up`and `take more responsibility`despite having repeatedly offered to take on various tasks.

As I mentioned above, I am not one to keep my mouth shut and this way of being treated ultimately came to a head.  Not for the first time I had a vigorous back and forth with this particular person.  It seems I struck a nerve!  I don`t know if it was that I didn`t back down to her or if I was out of line or if she just gave up but this back and forth led to her removing me from the group.  The group ended almost immediately after that exchange.

I spent the next couple of days mulling over the events that had transpired, over thinking each detail.  I went through many emotions: hurt, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, indignation.  Some people bring out the worst in you, no matter how hard you try to be the bigger person.  She was that person to me.  From the moment I met her (which was months beforehand) I knew we would clash, and I`m not placing all the blame on her, I know what part I played in the relationship.  If I had kept my opinion to myself instead of voicing it (loudly) maybe we would still have a group.  Maybe not.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I would rather say how I feel in the moment, whether it is the popular choice or not, than keep my mouth shut for fear of being kicked out of the group, so to speak.  I have a voice, and it counts.